Diatribe: Misopogon

It was the day of the crowning of Admiral Romanos I Lekapenos arsenic co-emperor of the underage Constantine VII. I was recalling a lecturer astatine university pronouncing Lekapenos arsenic Lekapenus, with the accent connected the penultimate syllable, causing my classmates to giggle successful a astir refined fashion. The crushed why still remains a enigma to me. Of akin mystification is why, when I pointed retired that this son of the remarkably named Theophylact the Unbearable (ὁ ἀβάστακτος), arsenic acold arsenic emperors went, sucked, the whole people erupted successful laughter. I was musing connected this, when the telephone rang.

On the different extremity of the ether was a person who is into mindfulness and aforesaid care.

He believes that his peculiar (curated, arsenic helium calls it) doctrine which combines what helium terms Ancient Greek philotimo with veganism and yoga provides a plausible alternate way of beingness that is eminently marketable to the Greeks of the motherland and is projected to marque him and his prospective investors a bully woody of money.

“How are you?” I enquire, disinterestedly as, for wont of thing amended to bash I americium trying to work Ioannis Vilaras’ demotic translation’s of the Batrachomyomachia, an past parody of the Iliad.

“I don’t know,” came the response. “I’m benignant of sore each over. My skin is covered successful these reddish welts.”

“Sounds fishy,” I commented.

“No, I’m connected this guava lone toxin cleanse. I indispensable beryllium allergic oregon something.. Nothing to bash with fish.”

It really does. The word sardine derives from the past Greek word σαρδῖον, the word for carnelian, denoting ‘red,’ arsenic according to our venerable ancestors, the soma of some sardines is simply a reddish-brown colour akin to some varieties of reddish sardonyx oregon sardine stone.

“I’m burning each over. It’s similar someone is roasting maine with a blow-torch,” helium complained.

In bid to divert him, I saw acceptable to notation to notation Palladius’ communicative successful the Lausiac History, where helium refers to 1 Heron, a young monk of Scetis who, ‘being connected fire’, near his compartment successful the godforsaken and went to Alexandria where helium visited a prostitute. According to the historian: “An anthrax grew connected 1 of his testicles, and helium was so sick for six months that gangrene acceptable into his backstage parts which yet fell off.”

“Is that supposed to marque maine consciousness better? By the way, I’ve recovered a λύση to your problem.”

“Which one?”

“You cognize however you support complaining that you can’t turn a beard? I’ve recovered this aryuvedic remedy involving fermented Banyan seeds…”

It is true that I cannot turn a beard. It is besides true that I person lamented this fact, for not being capable to turn a beard automatically disqualifies 1 from being a campaigner for the Byzantine throne. This is simply a analyzable that arsenic engendered successful maine by a peculiarly malevolent and astir apt heretical Greek-school teacher successful my teens, who, noticing my deficiency of facial maturation compared to my chap adolescents, granted maine the soubriquet: Constantine Pogonatus, the nickname ascribed to Emperor Constantine the bearded, presumably to item my deficiency thereof.

He was besides liable for informing maine that while the word teen is said to deduce from the Latin: ad- ‘to’ + alescere ‘grow, turn up, there is the homophonous past Greek word ἀδολεσχία, (adolescia) which refers to talking nonsense non-stop for an inordinate play of time, considered a motion of immaturity astir apt to beryllium recovered successful adolescents by the ancients.

It is simply a recognised phsyco-linguistic improvement prevalent among Greek-Australian associations and clubs, whose Peter Pan-like presidents, garbage to turn up and who generally, bash not sport beards, astatine slightest since the downfall of PASOK.

In the Homeric epics, having a beard had astir sanctified significance, with a communal signifier of entreaty being to touch the beard of the idiosyncratic you addressed. I person mostly go resigned to my beardless fate, careless of the opprobrium that this causes me. I erstwhile managed to turn a goatee aft six months of trying, but my wife compelled maine to shave it off, claiming that alternatively than looking imperial, I resembled instead, a benevolent Trotsky, a imaginable that she would not countenance though I suspect that her ulterior motive was, erstwhile learning that the Spartans curled their beards with heated robust rods, that I did not vie with her for the curling tongs. Thus, I stay beardless, contented that what I deficiency successful facial hair, I marque up successful the cognition that Orthodox paraliturgies person been composed to picture those such arsenic I.

Enter the Liturgy of a Beardless Man, a twelfth period scatological parody of the Orthodox liturgy. In commenting astir it, student Barry Baldwin opines: “Alas, I similar a bully portion of humour arsenic overmuch arsenic the next, but the constricted and endlessly repetitive invective of the work makes it the ταξινόμηση of happening that gives pornography a atrocious name,” a disapproval that has been levelled against the Diatribe, from clip to time. Just however the scatological becomes tiresome tin beryllium evidenced below, successful the conception that purports to parody the hymn: “O the paradoxical miracle.”

“Verse: From the depths hast thou cried out, that thou mayst beryllium granted a beard; and thy supplication was granted not.

O strange marvel, if you should conscionable a beardless man, fart connected his moustache, pluck his beard, and favour him with a kick, that sconehead and skinhead. And accidental frankincense to him, astir evil: O thou wood-throat and savage-moustache, evil beardless man, beryllium gone, beryllium crushed, astir evil beast.”

Nay, similar Alexander the Great who ordered his men to shave disconnected their beards, I revel successful my deficiency of crushed cover, and if I could, I would pen, arsenic Emperor Julian the Apostate, a missive such arsenic his Misopogon, ( the Beard-Hater, where, under the guise of mocking some himself and the philosopher’s beard helium sported successful an epoch of clean-shaven manly men, helium unleashed his heavy resentment and vexation toward the radical of Antioch. No 1 hailing from that metropolis offends me, so I will unleash upon those of Melbourne instead, having bushed of κοινωνικά media, ever mindful of the information that the Emperor Domitian had the hairsbreadth and beard forcibly shaven from the philosopher Apollonius of Tyana arsenic a means of punishment for anti-State activities. Byzantine Emperor Theophilus connected the different hand, prefers much invasive means that penetrated further than skin-deep: helium branded iconoclastic verses connected the foreheads of the iconodule monks Theodore and Theophanes who were henceforth known arsenic γραπτοί. The verses were deliberately metrically irregular, to heighten the shame. Notably, however, they were not shorn, for to bash so, successful the Greek vernacular, signifies laicisation and expulsion from the Inner Party.

Theodore Prodromos, successful his twelfth period satire: “Against connected Old Man and his Beard,” warned against beards conferring authorization upon those who would predominate us: “He said this, and we admired him, praised him and called him fortunate indeed, and we were each ears when helium taught, due to the fact that the antheral is simply a terrific speaker, and we trusted successful his appearance. For his beard fell down to his knees and his cervix was bent, his eyebrows were drawn together, and ochre was each implicit his look and, mostly speaking, his look indicated that helium was a philosopher adjacent to those who did not cognize him. But yesterday, my dear, unveiled the play and took distant the skene and revealed the truth.”

“Well, the aryuvedic remedy is not what I’m calling you about,” my person intruded upon my contemplation. “I’m mounting up my website, successful English and successful Greek. How bash you accidental self-love successful Greek? Is it αυτοαγάπη?”

“It’s αυνανισμός,” came my response.